


Where We Left Off

by 1999Kylo



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: #Less depressing than where it was left off, Anger, Cliff hangers, F/M, POV Third Person Omniscient, REBUILDING RELATIONSHIPS!!!, This one will be more focused on how Kylo sees things, im so happy, in some parts, kylo becomes Ben, kylo is m a d, more family friendly!, this will be cute, well that took a turn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-02-13 11:16:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12982887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1999Kylo/pseuds/1999Kylo
Summary: Who does Kylo Ren choose to be?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> !!! THIS IS A SEQUEL TO ANOTHER STORY !!!

Kylo holds you to him, the two of you exhausted. He looks down at your tired body. His muscles are week, even when he had done no training in days. He was somehow sore from the immense amounts of mental confusion, the trauma of reliving everything. He cared so much about you, he simply wanted to make you happy- but he also was very stubborn, he wants what he wants, and he was so used to getting it.

His hand stroked the back of your head, you felt peaceful at last, knowing he loved you, knowing he would no longer use filler words to cover up his emotions.

”Please be honest with me,” you say in a hushed tone. Kylo nods and pats your back. The two of you have remained on the floor for the past hour or so, he just petted your hair and groomed it behind your ears carefully and lovingly. Your breathing levels returned to normal along with your heart rates not too long ago, it was like being in the eye of a storm....

 

Days had passed by now, and Kylo had been leaving to go work less and less, and he had figured Hux was growing increasingly suspicious. He bombarded him with questions regarding why he would be so late, or why he sometimes he wouldn’t even bother to show up to important events. Kylo had repeatedly explained that he wasn’t feeling well, his whole body was sore and his head throbbed- obvious lies that could not be piced apart through the voice modulator nor the helmet he wore. Hux would just stand stiffly with a scowl and nod. 

What was really going on in Kylo’s mind was whether or not he’d choose to return ‘home’ with you, granted it was more of a _shell_  of a home to Kylo. He had a burning anger towards his mother and father that would not soothe over no matter how hard he tried. But he did miss having a family, he supposed. Before you, Hux was the closest thing he had to a ‘family’, as he was more or less an annoying sibling who hounded him ever five minutes. That’s not the point, though; Kylo couldn’t decide what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go. If he would continue his ways and be practically an emperor of the entire galaxy, or if he would be normal again. But it’s not like he’d ever be completely ‘normal’, he had seen immense amounts of pain in peoples eyes, he had heard the screaming of innocent people as they were being cremated alive, the exhaustion and sorrow in your eyes, and in his own. He wouldn’t be the same ‘Ben’ Han Solo and Leia Organa has known and raised.

The truth is, Kylo wanted to return, he decided what he wanted had been an edgy rebellion period against his family to make his point clear; he was grown enough to make his own decisions, and that’s how it would be. Once he got in too deep though, he was too horrified to pull out of the quicksand that was First Order; he had already learned and seen so much, he would surely be a new man, or possibly even killed by members of First Order.

As Kylo walked back to he and you’s shared quarters  every day, he thought about these things, and felt the wretched feelings and let the guilt sink in. He didn’t want to lead you on to believe that he would bring the both of you back ‘home’ to The Resistance, he couldn’t. But he also couldn’t let you down. He cared about you, he loved you so much. More than he had ever believed he could be capable of. You made him feel emotions other than anger, almost jiddy at times. Despite his uptight, moody personality, he often found himself smiling behind that steel mask of his, or when you were asleep right beside him, curled up, about you in general.

Now as you lay by his side in the middle of his usual work day, he glances over to you to see you inspecting the scar on your side, as well as several smaller ones scattered along your body. Kylo felt a rain of guilt soak him. He simply patted your shoulder gently and laid his head back. You glanced over to him in confusion, and his eyes darted back to you. Kylo took a sharp inhale and spoke.

”I will never be able to apologize enough for all of the things I’ve done to you,” he said. He was never very good at verbally expressing his emotions, which would be quite obvious especially for you. You give a quick nod and run your hand over the white lines all over your body. Kylo watches you and he pushes your hair away from your neck and shoulders, admiring your skin. He wishes he could convey how much he meant everything he said without accidentally killing somebody.

Kylo sits up and licks his lips, emitting a sigh. 

“I think I might need to get out of this ship for a while,” he says. After a moment of silence, he glances at you.

”Would you care to join me?”

You look at yourself up and down, then back to Kylo.

”In these clothes?”

”I’ll give you others,” he says, sounding slightly desperate. The truth is, he needed you.

”What if you get spotted?” You ask him. He shrugs and bites the inside of his mouth, hard, accidentally pulling some skin off of his cheek. He tastes the metallic flavor on his tongue and wants to cringe at the sting.

”I won’t,” he says quietly. You nod as Kylo slides on boots and his helmet, leaving the quarters. You’re left alone in the room, glancing at your thumbs anxiously; you hadn’t seen real sunlight in months, you wondered what it would be like to revisit the warm sensation of it. Truth be told, space- even when in a ship- is cold. You hated it. You hated the artificial warmth the heater brought, the burning smell of it and all. You missed basking in the real suns of your home planet, you missed being able to laugh with your friends and family, the resistance, everyone. You missed General Organa, Poe, everyone. You let out heavy sighs and blinked hard to contain your tears. 

Soon enough the heavy door opened and Kylo was back with folded clothing; a long sleeved burgundy dress with dark green hems which reached just past the knee. You pulled it on quickly and sighed in relief; clean clothes were a treat for you now.

Kylo removed his mask over a moment, hiding the fact that he had been smiling at you. He could tell that you enjoyed the dress; maybe he would do it for you more often. Kylo grabbed his saber and shoved it under his robes to hide, and made the decision he would ironically be more discreet if he didn’t have his mask. He stood straight faced and turned to leave the room, you following right behind him. The two of you walked down secluded halls until you reached the open space where there was a lone, small ship. Kylo entered it and waved his hand for you to get in after, and he closed it off. 

He sat thinking for a moment, his head leaning back against the seat. Where would he fly you? He hadn’t had this pre planned, and he couldn’t determine. He thought, and he thought. You, on the other hand, were stunned by all of the stars and distant planets. How you had missed the sight of them, anxious to go back to feeling the warmth of a planet’s sun. Being able to talk to normal people who were capable of laughing at something other than a sadistic act; the opposite of Kylo, you realized. You felt guilty right after this thought. 

“I think,” he stated with a brief pause, warming up the engine.

”We should go to Naboo,” he says as he begins to take off. You smile instantly. The warmth and the trees would be amazing there. You missed flying to the planet with Organa for ‘missions’ (Truthfully, you and other members would go to a lounge and drink until you would laugh at even the silliest things).

 

You feel a rush of excitement in your body, and you nod.

”I’d like that.”


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Kylo and you are gliding through the stars; something you haven’t recollected in a long time, gliding through the stars. Well, with nice windows and dangerous swerves, at least. You remembered how sometimes you would go with some of the pilots on small missions, just to go for a ride; you loved it. Every second of it, be it because you liked looking at the stars, or maybe because Poe -your favorite pilot- would make spins and turns that nobody else would ever dare to, and how BB-8 actually really liked you. You were shocked, BB-8 was a friendly unit, but Poe was definitely a favorite. You felt your chest raising and falling quickly again, you were getting emotional. Over a droid? Really? You need to calm down.

Kylo sat and hummed quietly; he enjoyed flying for the most part, but he was far too distracted with you in the ship, even if you were out of his line of sight. He was still being flooded with your thoughts and feelings, not his own. He heard you thinking about how much you missed BB8, and this ‘Poe’. He wondered if it was the same Poe, Poe Dameron. People described him as just like Han Solo. If this were true, Kylo knew he wouldn’t like him. 

Regardless, Kylo was jealous. You obviously loved going with Poe on missions, just for the thrill, yet you didn’t seem nearly as ecstatic with Kylo. He huffed; how could he make this more fun for you? Kylo’s lips pulled into a small smile.

He took a steep turn, rolling 360 degrees. Kylo laughed- you shouted. You felt as though you would be sick, anxiety overcame you. After a moment of course, you called down. Kylo felt guilty and defeated simultaneously. His eyes lit up.

’How can I beat Poe if I’ve never met him?’ Kylo thought. The corners of his mouth pulled into a large smile yet again.  

He had made his decision.

After a short while, you spotted a few recognizable planets; you teared up. Your breath was uneven, ragged, as you pushed your hair behind your ear, emotions filling your whole being.

”There, there!” You shouted as you spotted Naboo. You felt your heart racing faster and faster as Kylo mumbled that he knew, and turned towards the planet. 

Soon enough he had landed in a small strip of empty land surrounded by tall broadleaf trees and shrubs, a large building with a beautifully tiled white dome atop the structure, waterfalls scattered throughout the area. You had never been to _this_  part of Naboo before; regardless, you were ecstatic to be breathing fresh air, to see normal people.  Kylo exited, you followed. 

He lead you through the heavily forested acre, your hand in his, a cloak pulled over his head. You stared around a ton the plant life, tooke rustling in the decayed leaves on the shadowy forest floor. After only a few minutes of walking, you spotted the building. You looked at him for reassurance, and without him even turning to you, he spoke.

”It’s a pub. Quite popular amongst the natives here, actually.” He spoke- he had been in your head again. You didn’t know, as it wasn’t too obvious this time. He had actually been in your head a lot more often than you had noted. Sometimes when you were lightly sleeping, he’d slip in and scroll through you like a file cabinet. He always knew you cared for him, but he also knew how much you hated him when he first raped you, physically and mentally, and that you had a general distaste for him since joining the resistance. Did he care, though? Of course not; he hadn’t felt any sort of affection or care for another person since he had been with his parents, and he figured you were his one shot in a long time. 

Although, he’d never forgive himself for this. There must have been much easier ways to get you to love him, like setting you free from the start,  coming WITH you if he freed you, or simply having left his stupid game of war a long time ago and reunited with his mother, he would have obviously met you through that, and possibly would have fallen in love with you through that. Or even better, he would never know how compatible the two of you were. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

Of course many of these things wouldn’t result in the traditional love which he desired, but rather a sort of unconditional respect and love for being spared. Kylo wanted to be touched, to be seen as a blessing. He wanted true, traditional love, and he had been fooled into thinking mentally depriving somebody and retracting all of their feelings through physically and emotionally draining ’activities’ would equate to being loved.

He had been lost in his own thought, no longer yours. This happened often. He would see himself in you and it would make him reflect on things until you, or Hux, or Snoke, or somebody pulled him back to reality. 

Before either of you knew it, you were in front of the building. Kylo pulled the door open and quickly walked in, you right behind him. He lowered his cloak. The pub was loud and full of energy, causing you to feel warm inside, wanting to join in on somebody’s conversation. Obviously that would be a horrible idea. After the months of being abused and trapped with first order, you had become practically socially retarded. It wasn’t just that you were a complete people pleaser now. Not that being selfless was bad, but this was a whole new level; you were sculpted to pleasure others and to abide by their rules with no say in what you wanted. It reminded you of how Kylo would choke you back when you had first been introduced. How you were trapped. You hated it, but all you could do to get it to stop was to just wait and stop straining. 

The pub was now quiet and people watched as Kylo walked to the bar tender, ordering something and speaking of credits. He walked back to you, putting a hand on your forearm, pulling you to a table. He sat and waited for you to follow. You cringed at how he acted like this in front of others, like he _owned_ you. He did it in front of Hux, and if he even ever spoke of you, he probably spoke of you as if you were an object. He just enjoyed to show off and flaunt his power; it wasn’t working here. People immediately went back to shuffling cards, drinking and laughing, smoking, all of the things that. They had been doing before. Kylo looked stunned for a moment. It seemed as though he wanted the silence, maybe a laugh, anything! The peasants in this room had NO idea that they were beside one of the most important men in the galaxy. 

You stared at him with distaste. He had started the trip with such quality and peace in his heart, and he was already starting to turn back to his old ways. You stared at him angrily, he ignored.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:  
> Language  
> Intoxication  
> Kylo degrades reader  
> :-(

Physically, at least. He was scraping through your mind, receiving every thought. His mind burned into yours with no help from his eyes. After a few moments of the silent stewing, a hostess walked over to the two of you, a tray holding two clear glasses, a mysterious golden liquid bubbling to the rim contained in it.

”Here you go,” the lady said- she was tall with pale skin and rosy hair. She also had tired eyes, and her voice sounded sad. You pitied her, your head slightly tilting to the side at her as she set the drinks down. You saw all of the ugly, horrible men and _creatures_  in the pub that you had just assumed would be horrible to the poor hostesses and felt even more of a relation. You were one with them, though they would never know. It’s not like they’d care, either, they were busy with their own things.

Kylo slapped the table hard. You jumped in the booth slightly, turning back to reality.

”Drink,” he says calmly. He’s not calm. Inside of his head, all of the rage from months ago was back and more hot than ever; he was fuming. He carelessly lifted the cold glass to his lips, drinking a small amount. You mirrored him, your knee bouncing. You had a bad feeling, and you weren’t exactly sure why- after all, he was just beginning to change...Right?

Kylo’s hair fell daintily on his porcelain skin as he drank, slowly. How ironic. He was so full of hate for you at the moment, he wanted to splash the alcohol in your face and leave you behind. But that wouldn’t teach you anything, it would just make you believe you were right about him, and that he’s still a mess- he wasn’t! He was sure of it! Yes, he’s a completely different person than he was just a while ago- he drank faster, repressing the anxiety. You followed his lead and drank more. You cringed at the taste and set the tall glass down on the table, pushing it aside.

Kylo rose and everyone was quiet again. People stared at the two of you.

”Come,” he says quietly to you. You stare at him, your vision growing blurred, thoughts dazed. You stand and toddle for a moment before focusing on walking in an organized fashion to Kylo. He grabs your arm hard, standing straight as he pulls you out of the pub, an awkward silence amongst the rest of the drinkers and the hostesses. You began stumbling as soon as Kylo let you go, feeling almost as if somebody had shoved you down. You lie dazed, your mouth dry as you call to him.

”Kylo,” you say, your voice not sounding like your voice at all. He swivels on his foot and turns to you.

”Get. Up.” 

You feel tears begin to form in your eyes. You aren’t completely sure why, but assume it’s from the desperation, the unnecessary guilt he’s bringing you. You push your body off of the ground with all of your might and stumble back for a few feet, holding the wall to balance yourself. You look at Kylo, not in his face, but rather his feet. You feel your heart beat faster. Surely he’ll leave you if you don’t hurry up. 

“Kylo I _can’t_ ,” you cry out, your distorted voice causing his lips to twitch. He starts pacing towards you and you flinch slightly as he grabs you with a little too strong of a grip. You clench your jaw at the pain, walking as fast as you can to keep up with his swift, long strides. You stare at the floor and watch the gravel turn to greenery, sticks and moss shifting under your feet. The walk back to the ship is foggy for you, almost as if you feel asleep at the entrance of the wooded area and were woken up within the last few feet of it, the ship in sight. You feel your body temperature rising, a bad mood in the air. You shift the sleeve of your gown antsily, dancing on one foot to the other as Kylo releases your arm.

You look at him. He does not look back. He stares at the ground and looks upset. His face is not his face, he looks blurry and dark. You stumble forwards and place your hands on the side of the ship.

”Do you know how ungrateful you are?” He asks... No! He demands, breaking the long silence. You blink a few times and stare into the glass of the ship, not answering.

”Do you know how ungrateful you are?!” He shouts at you, whipping his head towards you. His cheeks are slightly red, and a strand of hair is matted to his forehead. You swallow hard and blink again, your legs shaking.

”You’re so lucky that I brought you here. You haven’t seen daylight in months, you’re a wretched little...”

_Don’t say it, Kylo. Don’t say it._

”Whore,” he spits harshly, his words crisply slicing through you. “If I hadn’t brought you along, you would have been alone in MY quarters, being leisured by MY servants,” he yells. He goes quiet for a moment, and the corners of his mouth pull into a small smile. 

”And if you weren’t here, I would have fucked one of the women in there,” he says.

“Like the one who served us. But no, simply because you’re here.” 

Your heart dropped and you clutched the side of the ship as you tried to keep yourself standing steadily. You were quiet  as you finally let yourself fall to the ground, slowly. Kylo paced towards you, and you quickly grabbed a fist full of moist dirt and twigs, rising slowly and steadily. You threw it in his face as hard as you could and started running, tears in your eyes as you did; it was no use. Your legs would not go as fast as your brain plead them to, your shoes tore at the back of your heels and began to slip off. You felt him grab you not 20 seconds later. You went limp and cried in his arms. Why was he being so mean to you? You had done nothing. 

Kylo’s eyes were red and he had a new bruise where a pebble hit him near his  eyebrow. He looked angry. He held you by the throat, nearly crushing it in a tight squeeze as he swore at you. You felt hot tears pooling in your eyes from both the physical pain and the absolute confusion; you were damned. Your fingernails tore at the flesh of his hands until you felt the warm, sticky liquid and smelled the faint odor of the metallic blood in him. You squeezed at his wrists but it was not working, he was immune to the pain. You let your hands fall as you began to lose yourself. Everything was black for the few seconds that it took you to hit the ground. You lay there on the wooded ground, your eyes closed and blood on your hands, shaking. You didn’t deserve this, did you?

”Ungrateful, unstable whore,” Kylo grunts, looking over his hands. You open your eyes slightly, and it looks as though the land around you is twisting and spinning- you close your eyes again and start crying harder. You wouldn’t waste your energy on fighting back, you figured. It never worked. You picked up that he liked the fight, but that if he got too worn down he could easily just use the force to his advantage. 

“I’m tired, Kylo,” you cried out in a quiet voice.

”I’m sick I don’t want to.”

He was blinded by rage, his ears felt red and hot. Kylo grabbed you by the jaw aggressively, his fingers digging into your skin. He pulled you up onto your knees Your breath was ragged and shakey, your vision blurrier than before. Seconds felt like full minutes, minutes like hours. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came. After a moment of thinking, he just swore at you. Your shoulders slumped and your head felt too heavy to hold up. Kylo released you and you fell on your side with a loud thump. You held your body, and he drew his light saber. You squeezed your eyes tightly as you heard it’s ringing calling to you. It was it taunting you, the sound. You felt tears rolling from the corners of your eyes, shaking. 

The ringing stopped as the plasma rod was cut off by the power button. You stayed on the dirt floor, shaking with sharp uneven breaths that you could no longer control. You heard his breathing as well, loud deep huffs along with some swears that burned into your chest. 

Kylo was speechless at his own actions, along with your reactions. He used to get a kick out of how menacing he was, but now he was so conflicted as to what he should be feeling and as to what he _really_ wants _._

You heard the plasma blade once more. You opened your eyes and saw the red, sparking blade. Before any pain, or any relief could come from his choice, all went black and you were peaceful once more. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -New characters!! :)
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> Depictions of wounds

Crying- Yes, you were crying. You didn't even remember waking up, but as soon as you came back to complete consciousness, you were crying. You felt the warm liquid of your own blood slipping down your back, the small fibers of the soft dress which had been given to you as a _gift_ sticking in and pulling out of a new, deep wound, one that at least you didn't have to look at. The odor of burning flesh was like bitter nostalgia to you, it kept reminding you of how you felt all alone in that steel box Kylo had thrown you in, and how he had treated you back then. ' _Some people never change_ ,' you remembered.

Although this brought some sense of relief, it also worried you; how bad was it? You would surely die, you presumed. You were still on the leafy floor of Naboo, and you figured there was no time to waste in getting help; Kylo was smart. If he wanted you to die without directly doing it himself, he would have left you somewhere less populated than this planet, or at the very least he would have taken you to a more secluded part of it. He would come back for you later on. You were smart, too. You placed your palms in the dirt and pushed yourself up. You cried out in pain at the ripping skin in your back, along with two previously uncounted gashes in your thighs and calves; you fell back down directly on the two freshly spotted wounds and cried out again. Your blood was almost as hot as your tears, which were almost as salty as you right then and there. You could either wait there in pain for possibly over an hour for Kylo to come back and somehow convince  you he had proven a point, or you could endure double the pain for only half the time and *hopefully* receive medical attention from somebody at the pub you had been in. 

You braced yourself, taking in a deep breath, holding it in your chest. Your legs ached and bled, bold threads of crimson dripped down your leg, the sticky wounds already starting to scab over. You almost vomited at the pain let alone the odor. With one last deep and dreaded inhale, you pushed yourself onto your two feet, pain shooting all through your legs and your back. You cried and yelped as you hurriedly ran deeper into the forest, your body thumping against a tree. The faster you went, the more it hurt, but you knew that the slower you went, the less you'd have to feel it. More tears fell from your eyes as you slid down the dark tree, your legs burning with rage and pain. You swiftly rose your smooth, refreshing sleeve to your cheek and wiped a tear  Your body was screaming at you, questioning with such a passion as to what had happened, and you hated yourself for ever trusting the man who had caused it all to happen in the first place. You felt your head dip, more hot tears rolling off of your face. You were cursed with hopelessness, destined to fail. Your body ached and your head throbbed. It hurt even worse with each desperate sob, pain ringing through your head. You wiped your eyes again with the sleeve of the dress. It felt like needles, like you were rubbing your face raw. You must have looked horrible. How ridiculous would you look running into the pub all bloodied up and lacking in decency, now that your dress was halfway down your back.

You thought.

' _Some people never change_.'

You remembered how hardworking and ready you were to kick First Order's ass. You were one of the saviors of the galaxy. It didn't matter that you were not Leia Organa, or even before that, Mon Mothma, but you were still a link. 

"Some people never change," you thought.

Kylo had torn you apart after just a few weeks, he was good at that. He had all of the necessary traits and capacity for somebody who wanted to be demeaning and manipulative, and he wore those traits on his sleeve. You figured he had simply been able to mask them in your presence for a short time, but easily long enough for you to fall into his trap and believe there was some good in him. 

You shook in anger, adrenaline racing through your blood. You rose, blood rushing to your wounds again. You would outrun it. You quickly began pumping your legs as hard as you could in the direction of the pub. You needed medical attention, you needed it now. You felt sweat forming on your forehead, replacing the tears in your eyes. You saw the building after a few moments of running. Your heart beat faster and faster as the clock ticked. You felt more and more relief as you got closer and closer, until finally you shoved the pub door open and collapsed on the hard ground. You heard the loud rumble of laughter grow quiet, your heart beat and your sharp breaths the only thing you really heard. 

"I need help!" you called out after you swallowed the lump in your throat. Men and women in the pub looked at you with skepticism. Some whispered to one another speaking of how you must be an escort that had seen the whole galaxy already and got what she had coming, some people went back to what they were doing before without another word about it. You lie there, shame washing over you as you parted your lips to speak again.

"I'm with the resistance," you said. The words flowed from your mouth smoothly, it felt natural. For the first time in way too long, you said what you were born to say. Once again, the space was quiet and uncomfortable. 

"What the Hell are you doing, somebody help her," a hostess shouted; the same one from earlier. You bit the inside of your mouth as you faintly remembered what Kylo said earlier. Were you actually jealous of _her_? A poor slave? You were so much better than her, and surely your face was prettier than her's-

You stopped. Guilt filled you. You shouldn't be jealous over Kylo anymore. In fact, you never should have been. Second of all, you were a slave yourself mere weeks ago, and the lady had just helped you. 

You noticed a man rushing over to you with the hostess behind her, a worried expression on her face. You stared at her as the man picked you up and took you into a back room, placing you on a cold countertop. You couldn't help it, you were so fixated on the fact Kylo apparently found her so attractive, he'd rather-

Your thoughts were cut off by the sharp stinging of your legs, You cried out at the shocking pain.

"It's sterilizing alcohol, you're okay," the lady said in a kind voice, focusing on the wounds as the man worriedly dabbed the liquid onto your leg wounds.

"I'm Crysennia-Fiora," she adds.

"What's your name??"

You're quiet aside from the unmanageable cries and whimpering that came with the pain from the liquid which stung your flesh. You swallowed hard, and Crysennia looked disappointed. You felt even more guilty.

"Y/N," You huff after a moment, wincing.

"Okay Y/N, how did this happen? I can see burn marks, and-"

"Light saber, Just look at my back!" 

Crysennia went quiet and gave a gentle nod. 

"Andryr," she said in her soft voice. The man stabilizing you turned you, and they both let out worried winces. You cringed and felt embarrassed.

"I've never worked in a medical ward," she says quietly and looks to Andryr. He shakes his head back at her. Crysennia takes a deep inhale and gently pats a healthy section of your back.

"I'm sure it won't be too hard to help you," she says as she pulls the fabric back from your body.

"So you're with the resistance," she asks, trying to keep your mind occupied as she peels the torn fabric from your body carefully. You cringe and give a quiet 'yes', rapping your fingers against the counter top to cope with the immense stinging. You shift uncomfortably, your eyes dilating as the realization sets in. You start crying again, your heart pounding; all of these people would surely be killed by Kylo and it was all because of you.

Andryr looked at Crysennia in confusion, and she shrugged with a worried expression.

"I-... What's the problem?" 

"Everyone here is going to die!"

Andryr's face goes white as a ghost, a complete contrast from his normally caramel skin. He combs a hand through his long, dirty blonde hair. His eyes meet Crysennia's, and she looks lost.

"Elaborate, maybe? It would help," she says.

You swallow and lick your dry lips, pushing yourself to sit up on the counter top.

"Kylo Ren did this. I was his-"

You paused and your face flushed. What he had done to you didn't have to be known to everyone there.

"I was held prisoner by first order, and Kylo took me to..."

You couldn't think of anything convincing. You felt the lump in your throat grow, more tears building in your eyes. Your head dropped. It was all over for everyone in the pub. You had never felt so guilty in your life.

"Y/N," the man, 'Andryr,' said.

"Just explain."

You inhale and open your mouth to speak, nothing comes out. You felt as though you could throw up, you hated this.

"I can't. Just believe me," You said quietly.

Crysennia looked at Andryr again, then to the floor as she spoke. 

"Is he alone?"

You shrug and tell her that that is likely. She nods and rips a long strip of bandage, wrapping it around your knee, then another longer strip down your torso. 

"This is as good as its going to get for right now," she says. You fell a deep wave of anger and darkness wash over you. Its a sure tell sign of something, you assume.

"We have to go," you say to the pair. They both nod, and Andryr lifts you. Crysennia leads the both of you through a doorway near by, rushing out to a small ship, leading the two of you in.

"Does this even work?" Andryr asks. Crysennia looks at him with a mad expression and nods.

"Do you even know how to fly it?"

The anger drains from her face and she purses her lips and looks around.

"Can't be too hard," she says, flipping on some switches. You glance around the interior and press a button, and you feel the entire ship rise. You all look at each other and smile; although the bad feeling still stuck to you like glue, and for good reason.

You glanced out of the ship window to see a man in all black standing alone just out of the forest, right beside the pub, looking right up at you. You felt your body ache again, an invisible hand digging its nails into your shoulders and dragging down. You cringe and writhe as you watch the man stand still, a red flash the last thing that moves before the ship blasts off into the sky.

 


	5. Chapter 5

You feel anxiety rush over you as his figure quickly vanished with your movements. Would the people die? It was your fault if they were to be harmed, you should have just sat until Kylo got back. A wave of guilt drowned you as you slumped down. Crysennia turned her eyes towards you and then back out of the vast window.

”Are you okay?” She asks you. You sit and think- were you okay? You had been manipulated and molded for months.

”Yeah,” you say with a nod.

”So what was a resistance soldier like you doing with Kylo Ren?” She asks you. You’re silent and your head drops slightly. Andryr nudges Crysennia with a gentle tap and she stutters as you feel more tears threaten to spill out of your eyes. You swallow the lump in your throat and boldly sit up.

”A mission went wrong. It was my fault...”

You huffed and looked down, then back up to the pair.

”Great idea with a horrible execution.   On my part, at least. I don’t even know if any of the others from the mission survived. But Kylo kept me around and tricked me into thinking he actually liked me, and he tricked me into liking him.” 

The two awkwardly nodded and silently continued to travel, desperately searching for a resistance ship. With your tinged flesh and broken heart, you wished you would spot a ship as well, you wanted so desperately to be home. You of course knew where the resistance base was, but you didn’t want to see the people you hadn’t ever really connected with. You wanted to see the people you loved and missed in your months having been gone. You began to sniffle again, your body aching.

Just resting wouldn’t hurt, your eyes felt so heavy after such a long day. You needed to rest, you really did...

* * *

 

_Some time later_

You are awoken by the beeping of a machine, and when your eyes do open, you see... Nothing. It’s dark, and the room is cold. You feel your heart begin to race again. You were back in the resistance ship, surely. Your arms and legs are all patched up with a strange metallic bandage- much fancier than the cloth garbage they had given you to a much worse wound at the Medbay in your time with the resistance. The resistance- Kylo. You felt your face rush with heat as you imagined having to face Kylo again, how horribly he’d treat you.

The lights came on and the door opened- 

A woman stood before you in an all white uniform with a single red stripe going down her dress. You had never seen this woman in your life, and this was not the resistance medbay uniform, surely you would know. You swallowed hard and stared at her as you wiggled your body upwards against the backboard of your uncomfortable bed.

”Hello, it’s good to see you’re up!” 

You squint at her and look around.

”Yeah...”

”Where am I?”

“Medbay,” the woman responds swiftly, stabbing a needle into your arm with no warning. You jump and force yourself not to pull your arm away as she draws blood from it. You close your eyes and cringe at the feeling of it, opening them to further examine your surroundings.

”Yes, but... Am I on a ship?”

”No, D’Qar. Welcome home.”

You’re frozen for a second, but then you feel a rush of excitement. She pulls the needle from your arm and you quickly thank her, feeling a rush of tears hit your eyes. You jump up even as she tries to tell you to stay down. You rush out of the room and down the empty corridor. You look around. They must had added advancements to the medbay while you were away. It was so different than before. You peered around corners until you finally made it outside, the harsh sunlight ringing your eyes. You held your arm close to you, shaking it a bit to rid the strange, almost tingly feeling. 

You see all of these unfamiliar faces, new resistance members. You smiled uneasily as they stared at you. You continued around the base, finding your way over to the pilots’ section in the base, looking around, hoping to see Poe. You wandered and wandered, waving to the pilots you only slightly remembered, almost to no avail.

Soon, though, you heard that sweet, piercing sound of a familiar droid- BB-8! A smile tugged at your mouth and you rushed over to the droid, which was rolling around you wildly screeching for Poe. You knelt down and laughed by BB-8, running your hands along the cool metal exterior. When you looked up, Poe stood right behind the droid, his hands on his hips, a dirty rag in his hand. He had a keen smile on his rugged face, his hair as curly as ever. You felt your mouth pull up into that uncontrollable smile again. You stood, but you were too awkward to do anything. He gave you a large hug and you felt yourself shrink slightly. You loved Poe, you really did, he was a wonderful friend, but it didn’t feel... right, for whatever reason. 

Poe stepped back from you, his arms on your shoulders with his head cocked to the side slightly.

”Kid, are you okay?” 

You felt your smile fading and your lip twitched slightly, tears flooding your eyes. You shook your head no and covered your mouth- Kylo has destroyed you, you couldn’t accept affection from somebody who was once like a brother to you, you couldn’t receive a hug from one of your closest friends. Your soul ached, you missed being able to live. Poe released your shoulders after a moment and grabbed your hand softly, pulling you away from the populated area and inside of his small quarters. 

Poe sat you on his bed and rushed to get you a glass of water, perfect, pure water. You needed it. He gave it to you and you drank it down fast, wiping the excess from your mouth. Your chest continued to rise and fall, and your throat still felt dry. Poe was quiet but his presence screamed that he was there for you and he would always be. He looked at the ground for a moment, rapping his fingers on the chair he sat in. You tried not to, but you retched and convulsed, trying not to Vomit. Poe shook his head and you dropped your head. He understood what had caused all of the damage.

”I’ll kill that son of a bitch,” he said, his jaw clenching hard. His chest rose calmly and fell even calmer with a sigh. He closed his eyes and nodded his head up at you.

”He... You know...” 

Poe coughed.

”He... He hurt you?”

You stared at the ground and didn’t answer him; of course he hurt you, why else would you be having a breakdown over being hugged. Poe was quiet before he sighed again.

”Kid I’m so sorry. I don’t know... How I can do anything. Hell I don’t know what to do, but I’m here for you if you ever need anything.”

You nod and wipe the tears from your eyes. The room is drowned out in silence for a moment before Poe sighs and stands, his hands on his head. He exhales harshly.

”Crysennia and Andryr seem very nice.”

You nod in agreement and close your eyes with a small smile on your face.

”Yeah, they are.”

Poe smiles and crosses his arms.

”There’s that smile of yours,” he says quietly. You laugh sadly and push your hair away from your face.

”We all missed you. A lot.” 

You smile and nod, laying down on his bed. You had been asleep for what had probably been hours, but you were now exhausted from all of the crying you had done. You exhaled deeply and Poe rubbed his nose, his eyes were glossy and his cheeks were red. He exhaled and smiled.

”You should get some rest. I have some work to do... I’ll bother you later.” 

You smile at him with your eyes closed.

”Love you, kid,” he says again and leaves, shutting the door behind him, and soon enough you’re melting into his cool sheets with a smile on your face. You’d greet the rest of your family once you were back in shape.


	6. Chapter 6

Kylo stands in front of the pub, his beam of fiery red heat extruding from his handle. He stares intently at the door, his hands shaking. His eyebrows knit upwards and he falls to his knees, his plasma sword contracting back into the metal foundation. He sobs on the floor, his gloved hand pulling onto nothing as he sobs. His body shakes and thrashes with each waive of a howl, his hands shaking on the ground. He stares at the dirt as he sweats through the vigorous sweating. He had it all, and his all was gone, the one who tamed him when the whole time he had thought he had tamed her. She was gone.

His legs were weak and his arms buckled under him. Should he continue to kill? To prove his tamer right and rampage against the ones who were easy to end, or would he put an end to what brought him here in the first place? His body shook in confusion. His nose scrunched together at the unfamiliar feeling of a hole in his heart, all of his limbs burning and aching. He should go home, he figured. He should forget about you and your hair that he loved so much, and your eyes, your nose, your skin... He could forget if he tried. He grabbed a fist full of dirt and released it. Standing and brushing the dirt off on his pants. He closed his eyes and turned around. He felt his heart sinking in his chest with each step. It wasn’t his dignity being shattered, but rather his frail heart that he used to think would be to no use, that it would lie dormant for the rest of his years. He was proven wrong. You broke his heart. He stopped as he walked, looking back up at the sky- nothing. He continued.

No. You didn’t break his heart; he broke his own heart. He ripped off his gloves and slapped them to the ground, continuing to walk with ill confidence through the forested area, falling off of the path and going whichever way he pleased for hours.

  _Later_

Soon enough he was too tired to continue his path, and followed his heavy footsteps back to where he started. He had a lot of time to think about things, like his relationship with you. It still pained him to think that you wouldn’t take him Back, if he ever even had you in the first place. He tried to steady his breathing as he came closer to his ship, his body aching, especially when he saw the coagulated blood on the dirt, small patches of grass missing from your clawing hands- he looked the other direction, his eyes twitching and red. 

He drew his lightsaber again and struck the small, blinking homing device attached to the bottom of the ship with a howl. He breathed hard and put away the blade, hiding it in his clothing. He took a moment to breathe before getting back into the small ship, starting it up and trailing through nowhere. He started to think of all of the places you would be. His chances were infinite, especially with the fact that he had no idea who the Hell had taken you nor what their political stances were. He ran his naked hands through his hair and placed his palm on his forehead. He stared into the blankness of his dash, his body aching and tired. He knew where the Resistance base was, of course he did... But would it be worth trying? He closed his eyes and thought.

His hand quickly grabbed his steering stick and the other dashed to the power switch, flying into the sky in the same fashion that the junky ship he had seen mere hours before had done, quickly shooting into the outer realm, flying into the dark space. He knew the direction D’Qar was in, he had purposefully avoided it on his flight to Naboo so he could feel less guilty. 

After speedily shooting himself to the planet, he carefully brought his ship near the resistance base. His hands were shaking slightly, mortified at the reaction of the others. He watched down below at all of the resistance fighters pausing below him. As he lowered the ship, they all drew weapons and aimed them at his ship. He swallowed hard as everyone stared through the glass. He no longer had his mask to protect him against the harsh vision of others. 

“Get Organa,” one lady on the floor of the planet said to another. Her lips were parted and she was sweating. The other woman stood still, frozen in what seemed like fear. ”Get the General!” She shouts again, shoving her. The young lady runs to a large building built of stone and metal, desperately trying to find her.

Kylo opened the door of his ship, a crowd forming around him. He held his ungloved hands up, his fingernails bitten to the bed, his finger tips torn raw. His body still ached and his face was still stained with tears. He closed his eyes and stepped forward slowly. The crowd was quiet and they dropped all of their weapons. Kylo followed and twisted his hand in the air, using his invisible force to whisk the Light Saber from his robes, continuing to pace forwards. Everyone was silent, and it somehow got even quieter when General Leia Organa stepped out, her brown robes hanging from her body loosely. She stared at Kylo with a blank face, her eyes widening. Her lips curled into a smile and she began to rush over to him, holding her arms out, wide. Kylo was uncomfortable for a moment, standing completely still. He was about a foot taller than his own mother, her face lay buried in his chest as she hugged him, tears falling from her eyes. 

“Ben, my son,” she cried into him. Her hands shook as she pulled at arms.

”You’re real, my baby. I missed you,” she sobs, staring up at him. Kylo feels a sharp stab in his heart, and he smiles. He laughs, his eyes stinging as he tries to hide his emotions. He slides down to his knees and hugs his mom. He can’t hold it in anymore. He sobs into his mother, his body convulsing, his hairs standing on end.

”I’m so sorry,” he cries into her clothing, his bold nose digging into her shoulder. He cried and wails, saliva taping his mouth closed as he tries to catch his breath. His hand holds onto his mother’s as he cries. He missed her, he missed her and he loves her. All of these years spent away from her, wasted. He regrets all of the time he missed with every bone in his body.

Her hands run through his hair gently. He feels 8 years old again as he cried into her, her robes obviously dampened in the spot his face lay. 

“Where is (Y/N)??”

Organa is silent as she cups his face in her hands, running her thumbs along the smooth skin she had been missing out on for so many years.

“Ben, come with me,” she says, holding her frail hands out for him. He grabs them and stands, leading him towards many of the fighters in the resistance,  introducing them. Ben felt the need to apologize after meeting each person for what he had done, and also for the tears he had been producing for so long.

”Ben, this next one is probably one of the best pilots we’ve ever had. He’s a great guy too. You’ll love him,” Leia said, patting Kylo’s shoulder. As the pair walked up to the large garage-like structure, they heard the shrieking sound of a droid.

”This is BB-8, Dameron’s droid.” 

Ben looked at Organa with a plastered on smile as he tried to hide his discomfort. If it was Poe Dameron, it would be one of the most uncomfortable things in his life.

”Dameron,” Leia called. Soon enough, the scruffy man walked out, dirt on his clothing and hands.

”Yes?”

“This is Ben,” she says with a smile. 

Poe looked him up and down and furrowed his brows, crossing his arms over his chest.

”You might want to get him a little far away from me right now,” he said after a moment. His droid circled his feet and whirred, avoiding what he presumed to be Kylo.

”Poe,” Leia sighed, her head falling to the side.

”I don’t want to speak to _Kylo_ right now, okay? He kinda fucked something up, and I’m not going to get into that right now. Goodbye.”

”Do you know where (Y/N) is? Is she in Medbay?” Kylo asked before they left.

Poe shook his head and tossed the dirty rag onot the ground. Kylo peeked his head around and noticed an X-Wing, cleaner than he had ever seen one. He looked at Poe. It didn’t add up, he seemed so rough but his ship was so shiny and clean. Poe slammed the wall in which Kylo was leaning on, still maintaining eye contact with Leia. 

”Look, I doubt she would like to see you right now. She seemed pretty messed up when she got here, and I’ll be the first to guess it was your doing, hm? Yes. Maybe she’d like to talk to you later, I’ll ask. Goodbye.”

Ben furrowed his brows and looked at Organa who only stared at the ground. Poe reminded her so much of Han, that’s why she liked him so much. It had been so hard with him having left so long ago, but she didn’t blame him. Knowingly having a son who killed other children wasn’t the most romantic thing in the world, if anything, it tore them apart. 

Organa lead Ben back to the building which she originally came from, which was revealed to be somewhat of a palace. Well, that’s true when it was compared to even his quarters, which were 5 fold the size of a regular Trooper’s quarters. Ben stared around in amazement and sat down on a step.

”A bit overkill, huh?”

”My friends do everything for me. Every time we move, they build until they think I’ll drop dead,” Leia says with a smile. Ben forces a calm laugh and stares a the ground. 

“You would like to hear about (Y/N), yes?”

Ben nods and doesn’t maintain eye contact.

”According to the two who dropped her off here,” she started.

”She fell asleep on their old ship after they tried to treat her wounds, and once they brought  her here, she was in a cadatonic state.” Ben stared at the ground. Organa nodded and folded her hands in her lap in silence.

”She looked bad, Ben.”

He continues to leave his eyes fixed on the floor.

”Do you know if she’s still in Medbay?”

Organa shakes her head and stands, walking near Ben, placing her hand on his shoulder as she sits beside him.

”I’m almost certain she’s out, but I agree with Poe in that you should wait. Maybe you’ll see her this evening during supper.”

Ben nods and pinches his nose, hoping that everything would be alright.

Leia coughed and tapped him.

”I forgot, Ben?”

He hummed and looked up at her, and was met with a sharp slap to the face.

”That’s for everything. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t even flinch, he just nodded and rubbed the spot which his mother’s hand stuck.

”That wasn’t enough,” he says quietly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Corrections and comments in general are deeply appreciated!

You are awoken by Poe walking into his quarters. He looks up and apologizes as he whisks off his boots hastily, kicking them under a shelf in front of him. You swallow and rub your eyes, looking around.

”Dinner,” he says after a moment, nodding to the door. You nod and rise, stretching comfortably, hating the itchy fabric of the hospital gown. You shift in it and adjust it to suit your frame better. Poe looks at you and then to his shelf full of clothing.

”Would you like to borrow something? Maybe just for tonight?”

You shave your head ‘yes’ and eagerly await the clothing. He hands you an army green shirt and pants.

”The bottoms are a little tight on me,” he says, rushing to change his shoes. “They’ll probably fit you better.” 

You nod and pull them on. Still a bit uncomfortable, but better than that itchy gown. You comb your hair out of your face with your fingers and Poe leads you out, of the room and outside. You state at him- he looks tense. Really, really tense. You question him and he shrugs it off, mumbling a bit as he stares down at the ground. You step in front of him and he stops.

”Poe, what the Hell is your problem?”

He opens his mouth to speak and nothing comes out. He tries again and stutters.

”You’ll see,” he says after a moment. You nod and think, maybe somebody got hurt. Was Organa okay? She had to have been. You swallowed dryly and continued walking as the two of you made your way to the dining hall. As you walked in, you saw everyone hastily shifting in their seats with empty plates awaiting food, aside from a few covered platters at the end of the table. Poe lead you to your old regular seat and sat right beside you. It felt surreal to be back, you felt normal. You stared at the empty, large chair which Organa normally sat along with two slightly smaller chairs on either side, and then you looked back at Poe.

”Is Organa...”

Po e quickly shook his head and rested his hand on your wrist reassuringly.

”No, she’s fine. She’s fine, you’ll just... wait.”

You looked down at the table and waited until eventually Organa did walk out. You looked up and she winked at you with a smile. You smiled widely back to her and sat patiently.

”Good evening everyone, normally I would just announce our meal, but today is very, very special, as somebody very important has returned to us.”

Everyone stared at Organa, then back at you while smiling. She turns her head to look at you and she smiles, looking down.

”(Y/N) has returned to us. She gave us quite the scare, first when she was gone for so, so long. Second when she returned in the condition she was in. But now we are safe to say she is okay, and the risks she took are beyond admirable. (Y/L/N), please come here.”

You rise and smile at Poe then at all of the soldiers you hadn’t seen in so long, the ones you had yet to catch up with. You inhaled deeply and walked towards your general who opened her arms wide, wrapping them around you. You hugged her tightly. It felt fine to hug her, she was like a mother to you, you adored her. 

“We missed you. Sit, sit,” she says quietly and pats one chair right beside her. Something didn’t sit right with you right as you sat down, though. You shifted with mistrust as she stood right by you, and you looked around the room with no trace of anything wrong aside from your intuition. 

“We also have another person back, one who we all believed had left us a long time ago.” 

You furrowed your eyebrows together and looked at her, she wasn’t looking back at you, but rather straight ahead. You looked down, then over to Poe who was looking at you with concern.

”You may feel a bit of disarray when this person enters, but please have faith. Thank you.”

Organa nods and sits in her chair, her frail hands shaking slightly as she pushes the large chrome platters down the middle of the table, hands guiding them to the center of the table. They lift the lids and reveal a hearty mean. Your mouth waters, you hadn’t even remembered the flavor of the delicacy which lay right in front of you with all of the unnutritious roots you had eaten over the past few months. You were ecstatic to get into the swing of things again and grow back into the strong person you once were.

As the food began to be passed around the table, you felt a small breeze fly past you. You swallowed and looked to the side. Ben walked in from behind a rogue curtain, not looking at you. You watched his Adam’s apple bob as he passed you, sitting down right beside his mother- only one chair over from you. You felt your heart race and you closed your eyes, looking back at Poe. He stared at you with concern and you looked away. The room was quiet.

”As many of you know, this is Ben. My son.”

You nodded and stared at your lap, your knees bouncing up and down. You breathed fast and closed your eyes.

”He has done unspeakable things, but we must forgive, but never forget. Thank you, Ben, for coming to your senses.”

Ben nods and looks over to you as he begins to speak, his throat sounding soft and sad.

”I’m so sorry. To everyone who I’ve caused grief. I’m sorry.”

You clench your jaw and look all the way to your right. Not because you wanted to give him attitude, but because you didn’t want him to see you cry. You grabbed onto the table cloth tightly out of anxiety, your knees uncontrollably bouncing.

You, Organa and Ben were the last to receive food from the platters that evening, and it felt like forever until you were allowed to eat again. When you scooped the generous amounts of stew and actually nutritious roots onto your plate, you felt your stomach grumble. You were so hungry, you decided you’d try to forget about everything just long enough to allow yourself to eat. Even when you tried, you kept feeling your eyes pull to Ben, who sat poking his food with his fork like a child.

You lifted a heaping pile of food to your lips and ate it, the flavor shocking you; it was amazing, unlike anything you had ever had before. You swallowed and ate more until your stomach felt happy, and drank the sweet nectar-like juice in front of you until you were too full to consume any more. You stare at the near empty plate and lay yourself against the back of the chair trying hard to relieve your anxiety. But you couldn’t, especially not with the feeling of being stared at, and you knew exactly who it was. 

At least he had the decency to not dig through your thoughts right then, he easily could have and you would have known by the magnetic feeling. He was just looking at you, reading you by your face and not your thoughts. You lay still, staring into nothing as people start to leave. You jump when a hand gently taps your shoulder. Your lips quake and you look up, relieved to see it is only Poe. You sigh and nod at him.

”Organa and some others cleaned up your room, you can go back there if you’d like.”

You nodded and rose, closing your eyes as you breathed deeply. You opened your arms and gave Poe a hug, this time not feeling anywhere as anxious. It felt when he hesitantly wrapped his arms around you and rested his nose on the top of your head. The two of you awkwardly pulled away after a moment as you focused on your breathing.

”Thank you Poe.”

He lead you to your old room as if you had to follow him to find the way. He opened your door and you stared silently in the space. It must have been so dusty in there before they had cleaned it, but other than that everything was left as is. You walked in and ran your fingers over everything, a faint smile on your face as you admired the surroundings, remembering every little piece of treasure. You turned to Poe and nodded as a thanks. He gave you his smile and left, his eyes hitting the ground as he shut your door. You walk to your bed and quickly strip of the awkward clothes Poe handed you, laying onto your bed quickly, staring up at the ceiling above, your lights off and nothing running through your head. Now what? Now that you were back, what was left to do? You reflected on what you really had to live for. Nothing, you figured. Everything was complete, but you only just got back with your friends and family, you loved them so much, you couldn't bear to leave them. As you thought, you heard the gentle knock on your door. Your eyes darted to the tall frame, the door covering whatever was behind it. You paused before opening your mouth.  
  
"One second," You called out after you heard the knock again. You stood and walked to your old wardrobe, finding an old pair of bottoms, which were surprisingly comfortable. Well,  more comfortable than Poe's scratchy fabric. You walked to the door and stood for a moment before pulling it open. You stared at the ground as you did, fearing who would be standing out there. You looked up, it was General Organa. You stood up straight upon realizing this and pushed your hair out of your face as an attempt to look at least a little bit more professional.

"Relax, officer (Y/L/N), these aren't our work hours. May I come in?"

You nodded and apologized, stepping behind the door and closing it as she entered. You switched on the light quickly, and it slowly flickered before going to it's fullest opacity, bringing the room to life. You stood in the same spot while Organa walked around, looking at everything before sitting down on a stool beside the small counter which sat in front of your refresher, folding her hands in her lap. She sighed and smiled, staring down. 

"What did you come here for?" You asked after a moment of silence, which was fairly uncomfortable on your part. She blinked slowly and shifted her line of sight to you, a small precious smile on her face.

"I just missed you so much. I'm glad you're home."

You smiled and nodded, walking towards your bed and seating yourself on the edge, facing her. 

"I missed you too. It is amazing to be home," You started, patting down the bedding next to you. "I never thought I would see this old place ever again."

"Mmhm. I always knew you would return," Organa said quietly. You could hear the smile in her voice, though faint and kind.

"As well as Ben," she said. Your eyes darted over to her. She kept her eyes fixed on the ground, her hands still folded in her lap, her body still calm. You were silent.

"I know things aren't well with you two." 

You scoffed in your mind and bit your tongue. Organa looked you in the eyes and you looked back, the bite on your tongue lessening.

"But he's different, I can feel it."

"That's what I thought. You know, before this?"

You pointed to the new, semi-patched wounds on your body.

"After this," you added and pointed to the scars which Kylo Ren had brought you when you first truly met him, before you knew who he really was and what he was capable of doing. "Some people don't change, Organa."

She continued to smile and she stayed still for a moment, still looking you in the face. After a moment of this, she rose and walked to you, her steps timid and her hands shaky as she sat beside you, placing an arm around your shoulders.

"Some people never change, (Y/N)," she started. You looked at her in confusion and she just smiled back at you. "Some people never ever change. Sometimes they fall into something and try to act like somebody they're not, but deep down, they're still themselves," she says again. You watch her face soften up and the smile fades into a twinkle in the eyes, and she stands.

"(Y/N), we must forgive and forget. Things don't have to go all the way back to normal, but we must forgive. And forget. Goodnight, I hope you sleep well," she says.

"You too, General."

She nods and shoots you a smile.

"I will," she says, before leaving.


	8. Chapter 8

And again you are awoken by a rapping on the door. Your body hates you for waking up repeatedly, your knees hurting as you rise. As you slowly make your way to the door, the rapping stops and so do you. You have no idea who’s behind the door, and if there is anything Kylo has taught you, it’s that you must be cautious. You bit your lip and heeled, staring at the door. The rapping started again, the gentle sound of knuckles hitting wood echoing through the room. You felt your blood run cold and your throat grow dry. You blinked a few times and cautiously walked towards the door. You rested your head upon it and closed your eyes, inhaling deeply. You felt as though you could collapse against the door and cry for hours upon hours on the ground of your quarters, you knew who was behind the door. 

“(Y/N),” you heard him call. It was Kylo, you knew this for sure. Ben, you corrected yourself... No. Kylo. You thought. Ben.

”(Y/N) I can feel you,” you hear him call. The sound is so loud in your head, but it’s barely a choke in reality. It continues to ring through your ears even after the sound has bounced through the universe and away from his mouth. His tone, his voice in general; you did care for him so much, but you remained conflicted.

You feel the force of his palm against the door gently fade as he pushes himself away, all warmth escaping the wood. You slide down the smooth surface and onto the floor, placing your hand on the door knob. It is cold and alone as you use it as a guide for you to stand. You feel so alone, even in knowing that he is no more than an arm’s length away from you. You feel your lip quiver as you swing the door open- it was unlocked, Ben was gone. You feel sadness crush you, your heart sinks low into your body as you stare at the vacant space between you and the rest of the world, nothing but dirt surrounding you. Your eyes look down and you see a delicate few colorful petals leading Away from the door and quickly disappearing, nothing more. You flowers and plants for not having more petals, a thoughtless thing to ever even convey.

You step out into that vacant world which you frequently curse, a gentle wind pushing the petals aside. They are carried away. You slump slightly and step back inside, shutting the door behind you. You decide staying up would be harmless. Maybe he would come back, and surely you wouldn’t want to miss his visit like you thought he would. You sit on the floor beside the door, your back still pressed up against the wood as you stare into blank space thinking of useless things. What if he didn’t come back? If he thought you didn’t want to be with him, or at least be casual with him.

You scoffed at yourself and smiled- that’s sick. You could never be casual with him. It would be all or nothing, you decided. He slithered into your life and put a wedge between you and your morals, self worth, everything; now he had to be the slippery substance to ease you out- the light in the dark tunnel.

You sat for hours, jerking yourself to stay awake every time your eyes closed, but he never came. Your mind was fuzzy and barren, and it hurt when you finally decided to stand up. You grabbed the door handle and pulled yourself up, your knees wobbling slightly. You had been in the same position for a thousand years it felt like. You inhaled deeply and decided you’d leave your quarters and go visit with Organa, to possibly get some first class breakfast. You pulled open the door, staring down. It’s so early, the sky is dark, the air is cold. It hurts your nose to breathe. You look up.

You see him standing there- Ben. You swallow hard and freeze when you see him. He shifts his weight back and fourth on either foot as he looks at you. He looks at the ground for a moment, then back up. Ben steps forward and you step back. He freezes and looks at you, his eyebrows angling up, looking sad. He looks exhausted, he probably got less sleep than you.

You step forward again and he blinks slowly, falling to his knees.

”(Y/N),” he says, reaching his hand to yours. He pulls it to his face and gives the back of your hand a gentle kiss, then resting his forehead on it. He is silent.

”(Y/N), I am so sorry. For everything I’ve ever done, for making you feel so... For just... Not treating you right. I’m so sorry, I wish my mother never sent you on that mission. I wish I never would have gone against my closest flesh and blood for an evil man. I will never forgive myself.”

You feel your breath hitching as you try to fight back tears. Kylo’s hands are shaking as he holds yours. You watch small beads of liquid glass fall from his face and onto the dirt below. You close your eyes and give next to him. 

“It sounds sick. But I’m glad you did, Ben,” you say quietly, squeezing his hand. Your voice is shaky and quiet, but clear.

”I would have never met you. You would have never learned. I wouldn’t even know Organa, bless her heart,” you say with a small laugh as tears stroll slowly down your face. You swallow as he lets out a singular breathy, cough-like laugh. You smile at him and wrap your arms around his head, feeling his soft hair touch your arms. He’s like a lion. He has been tamed, you think. 

Ben reaches his hands to your face and cups your cheek in his palm, looking you in the eye. You smile at him, staring into his red eyes as he runs his thumb over your cheekbone gently. He kisses you softly, his nose prodding your cheek when he does so. You kiss him back and squeeze his wrists kindly.

After a moment, Ben breaks the gentle kiss, looking away from you. You follow his gaze and see General Organa. You jump up quickly and brush the dust off of you as well as wiping your eyes. Ben stands after you and smiles, staring at you. You laugh softly as Organa begins to speak with a small smile on her face.

“Come, please join me for a meal. The both of you.” 

 


	9. Chapter 9

He sat on the edge of his bed, still in his dark uniform. He gritted his teeth as he took one last drink of his water before setting the empty glass down on his bedside. The ginger man rose abruptly, his jaw quivering.

”Oh, Millie,” Hux groaned to his beloved cat, Millicent. She perked up and her ears twitched in concentration. She drew nearer to him, rubbing her head against his leg. He had grown so tired of working starkiller base all on his own. He had thought he would be fine without Ren there, that it would be easier and more inexpensive, as there would be far less temper tantrums that lead to destroyed control rooms. But as it turns out, being the supreme leader of an empire isn’t all fun and games. Well, he wasn’t exactly the supreme leader. But it wasn’t like Snoke exactly helped- he just sat back and gave orders. Everyone else was forced into meetings, running hard errands, and following strict codes.

Hux slumped back as Millicent hopped up beside him, nudging his open hand. He lifted his arm, his elbow still planted on the bed as he scratched her ears. She purred and rolled onto her back, exposing her belly for him.

”Millicent, please,” he groaned, as if talking to a real human.

She mewed and licked her paw.

How would Hux ever deal with the constant stress of having the galaxy in his hands? Maybe that was why Ren left- not because of the wayward girl.

Hux scoffed. The girl.

‘She was hardly wayward,’ he thought. She was just doing what was right for her side. Hux stopped and shook his head. He sat up and slumped forward, resting his chin in his hand.

He licked his dry lips, glancing around the room quietly. The transmitter hanging on his wall by the door called to him. Not literally, but his mind rang with the urge to summon somebody, anybody, to his quarters.

He sighed deeply and scooped up his companion. He rested her on his chest and rubbed her face with his palms.

”She was a wayward child. Even the slightest reluctancy  towards first order is disgraceful,” he whispered to his cat as she nudged his chest with her face.

”And that Ren... I always knew there was something off about him. He was never true,” he added, glancing around more.

”It feels like it is just you and me, Millie.”

He knew what he had to do.

With his feline still in his arms, he stumbled over to the transmitter.

”Prepare my ship,” he spoke, carefully placing the microphone down on its hook.

...

”I’m sorry sir, could you repeat that?” 

Hux groaned and picked it up.

”Prepare my ship!”

”That language is quite unnecessary sir.”

Hux set Millie down.

”And which of my incompetent men is this I’m speaking to?!” 

He asked.

”Poe Dameron.”

Hux slammed the microphone onto the hook one final time and raced out of his quarters and to the hotspot of his ship, where all of his smartest, quickest, and bravest men sat.

”Take down that X-Wing,” he spat.

”And bring him to me. Alive.”

 


End file.
